Today

Today, I cradle my heart in my hands like you would to a tiny bird with a broken wing. It sits silently and satisfied with the momentary quiet, but is yearning to break free.

"I heard from a friend today and she said you were in town"

It used to be my favorite song. Listening to it now, I feel that Janet Jackson forgot to add three important words to the first line. I heard from a friend today and she said you were in town… with someone else. I can't blame her. Her song speaks of a different love. Not mine. Not that it was ever mine.

After hearing the news, I went out to buy a fresh pack of menthol. It was raining. I didn't bother to bring an umbrella. The drops caressed my skin like a friend saying "Okay lang yan" or "Kaya mo yan".

I knew this would eventually happen. I was expecting it. I wondered if it would hurt. I didn't have to wait long to find out. It did, but not as much as I thought it would. Kinda like getting a new piercing. There's that sting, but it's nothing I can't handle.

I'm happy now and I'm not saying that to convince myself. The winds have been friendly to me. My boss picked up my broken pieces and made me whole again. I have never been more complete.

I still miss her sometimes. In the deepest of the night, while everyone else is asleep, I think of the women who I once thought would always be around. But God is good to me. He consoles me on those nights. He listens to the things I do not say. He knows. He understands. And He does not leave my side.

I am gonna be ok!

healing...

I put on the sad songs, poured my heart out on paper, surrounded myself with friends, partied and got drunk, kept myself busy. I did everything on the manual. They helped, but they were not enough. The emptiness continued to feed on me, or on what was left of me.

It was not supposed to hurt that much. I have enough experience on this department to know what and what not to do. I expected it to be easier. After all, I followed the rules that I had set, all of them save for one. Do not get too attached. Missing one stinking rule was my shortcoming. Double the gravity since it was perhaps the most important. I should have seen it coming.

Last Tuesday, I cried like I never cried before. It was a whole day affair and I was a pathetic sight. I refused to eat or to talk to anyone. I tried to sleep for as long as I could because the hours that I spent awake were hell. I remembered making myself believe that everything was just a bad dream and that I would wake up from it soon enough. But there was no end to it.

That was when I called out to Him.

Please make her change her mind, please make her change her mind. I said the same phrase over and over as if the number of times I speak those words would hasten the healing. Please make her change her mind. With my knees on my chest, rocking myself back and forth, I surrendered.

Then, I felt something. It started like a feeble light through a tiny hole. It moved quickly. Expanding. Growing bigger every second. Filling up my hollowness. Warming every nook and cranny. I never knew such a feeling existed. I cannot find a word for it. I felt comforted and strangely, happy. It still hurt, but it didn't matter. The pain didn't bother me.

I went to sleep with my eyes puffy, my face blotched with tears, and my heart still broken.

The days that followed were less difficult. I decided to give myself what she could not - closure. I sought for a proper goodbye. I wanted to see her. I didn't need to speak to her or to hear her explain. The sight of her would be sufficient. And so, I went to her pad. I stole a quick glance. Fortunately, she wasn't looking. And that was it. I went home taking with me the part of my self that I lost.

I met with a friend last Saturday for coffee. We spoke about life, struggles, weaknesses, him, Him. I hear her more loudly now. I remember her saying we are never strong enough. We have to seek for a Greater Power to help us pull through. Looking back, I know she is right.

I wanted to go to him today, but I had an awful hangover when I woke up this afternoon. So, I stayed in my room and thanked Him in my heart that's all bandaged up.