I put on the sad songs, poured my heart out on paper, surrounded myself with friends, partied and got drunk, kept myself busy. I did everything on the manual. They helped, but they were not enough. The emptiness continued to feed on me, or on what was left of me.
It was not supposed to hurt that much. I have enough experience on this department to know what and what not to do. I expected it to be easier. After all, I followed the rules that I had set, all of them save for one. Do not get too attached. Missing one stinking rule was my shortcoming. Double the gravity since it was perhaps the most important. I should have seen it coming.
Last Tuesday, I cried like I never cried before. It was a whole day affair and I was a pathetic sight. I refused to eat or to talk to anyone. I tried to sleep for as long as I could because the hours that I spent awake were hell. I remembered making myself believe that everything was just a bad dream and that I would wake up from it soon enough. But there was no end to it.
That was when I called out to Him.
Please make her change her mind, please make her change her mind. I said the same phrase over and over as if the number of times I speak those words would hasten the healing. Please make her change her mind. With my knees on my chest, rocking myself back and forth, I surrendered.
Then, I felt something. It started like a feeble light through a tiny hole. It moved quickly. Expanding. Growing bigger every second. Filling up my hollowness. Warming every nook and cranny. I never knew such a feeling existed. I cannot find a word for it. I felt comforted and strangely, happy. It still hurt, but it didn't matter. The pain didn't bother me.
I went to sleep with my eyes puffy, my face blotched with tears, and my heart still broken.
The days that followed were less difficult. I decided to give myself what she could not - closure. I sought for a proper goodbye. I wanted to see her. I didn't need to speak to her or to hear her explain. The sight of her would be sufficient. And so, I went to her pad. I stole a quick glance. Fortunately, she wasn't looking. And that was it. I went home taking with me the part of my self that I lost.
I met with a friend last Saturday for coffee. We spoke about life, struggles, weaknesses, him, Him. I hear her more loudly now. I remember her saying we are never strong enough. We have to seek for a Greater Power to help us pull through. Looking back, I know she is right.
It was not supposed to hurt that much. I have enough experience on this department to know what and what not to do. I expected it to be easier. After all, I followed the rules that I had set, all of them save for one. Do not get too attached. Missing one stinking rule was my shortcoming. Double the gravity since it was perhaps the most important. I should have seen it coming.
Last Tuesday, I cried like I never cried before. It was a whole day affair and I was a pathetic sight. I refused to eat or to talk to anyone. I tried to sleep for as long as I could because the hours that I spent awake were hell. I remembered making myself believe that everything was just a bad dream and that I would wake up from it soon enough. But there was no end to it.
That was when I called out to Him.
Please make her change her mind, please make her change her mind. I said the same phrase over and over as if the number of times I speak those words would hasten the healing. Please make her change her mind. With my knees on my chest, rocking myself back and forth, I surrendered.
Then, I felt something. It started like a feeble light through a tiny hole. It moved quickly. Expanding. Growing bigger every second. Filling up my hollowness. Warming every nook and cranny. I never knew such a feeling existed. I cannot find a word for it. I felt comforted and strangely, happy. It still hurt, but it didn't matter. The pain didn't bother me.
I went to sleep with my eyes puffy, my face blotched with tears, and my heart still broken.
The days that followed were less difficult. I decided to give myself what she could not - closure. I sought for a proper goodbye. I wanted to see her. I didn't need to speak to her or to hear her explain. The sight of her would be sufficient. And so, I went to her pad. I stole a quick glance. Fortunately, she wasn't looking. And that was it. I went home taking with me the part of my self that I lost.
I met with a friend last Saturday for coffee. We spoke about life, struggles, weaknesses, him, Him. I hear her more loudly now. I remember her saying we are never strong enough. We have to seek for a Greater Power to help us pull through. Looking back, I know she is right.
I wanted to go to him today, but I had an awful hangover when I woke up this afternoon. So, I stayed in my room and thanked Him in my heart that's all bandaged up.
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